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IM LESS SICK
current mood:
(Wrote this at like 10 something last night)
Im sick, somehow, its been a week since ive done anything outside but my little brother somehow caught something, doesn't make any sense.
Oh god, the month is almost over. Oh welp. It was somewhat eventful, I guess. My mom asked me if Id want to go to an inperson school, I said I wouldnt mind it. I mean, Id most certainly make more friends that way but Id also be missing out on the joy the virtual environment gives me. In virtual, nobody judges, there is zero bullying, everyone is kind to everyone (except for kamden), class discussion are as potent as can be, and everyone is a little queer, I LOVE IT. Downside is, actually meeting people is a trainwreck. To meet someone, you have to go through SOCIAL MEDIA FIRST, awful, just terrible, social media encourages people to disengage with u and it sux.
I was invited to prom, just to hang out with some friends I didnt get hit on, ofc duh. But Im not going to be in tennessee when it happens, yk the place my school takes place! So prom is a no go, going to prom would have destroyed me anyway. The issue with prom, for me, is seeing everyone all dressed neatly, its painful to see everyone all danity and shit. I cannot pull off no danity shit ok. I cant dress myself if it meant life or death, just too stressful, and dysphoria inducing.
Alright, just an update or something, I like to pretend ppl read this. Au revoir bitches.
(Wrote this yesterday at 11:23 PM)
I havent really been thinking about my website lately but I remember what I was doing here! Making a blog for my friends!! Yes, not randoes on the internet but my friends, yep. (I still love u internet stranger dw)
A lot has happened but nothing that the same time, school is back after break and life is chill. The biggest thing thats happen is Ive realized that im probably very unlikely to be straight. I still like women, dont get me wrong I looooove women but im definitely not cis-gender. And there u go, my life just got infinitely harder.
Wait, now that I think about it, ive never actually made my gender clear on this website, so saying im not cis, doesnt rlly change much huh..
Probably not going to make that many improvements to the site, sorry. I just dont see the need to make it better; the only reason I could think of would to get more people to connect with it, which yk that sounds pretty great actually. But im a lazy bum so yeah.
Went to the heinz museum in pittsburgh, very cool, I think, I didnt actually learn much from it, the Mister Roger exhibit was cool tho. Jeez, spring break just flew by. They say shit flies by when youre having fun but I did NOTHING, just played dst and weeped.
My life just feels like its passing me by. And this is where I stop for today because I dont want to ruminate.
Got my haircut today (writing this at 12:42 am, Mar. 18) err, yesterday technically. Its easy to say I hate it but, I mean. its not bad. I just hate it, thats all.
Its too masculine, my mom always cuts my hair how she invisions me, not how I invision me. The issue is I dont know what I want to invision for myself. Well, I kinda know but I dont.
Im going.. somewhere for spring break; genuinely, I dont know where we are going, my parents arent very good at telling me about plans that affect me. Could be going to Ohio, or Pennsylvania, or Canada, fuck it, I wanna go to canada. I like free healthcare and trans rights. That sounds like a great time!
Ugh, this post might be posted rlly late, sorry. And sorry if this blog is boring, not that anyone actually reads it.
Just like, a sudden wave of "ugh".
I got outta school and then.. ugh, just annoyance. I havent been very up lately, a lot of responsibilities area hitting me in the face very suddenly. Ive been putting them to the wayside for like.. a year probably. Its not good, very bad. I just feel mundanely awful, like my head is fatigued.
Im not liking this website, like I love it but I wish I could love it more. I dont feel like adding to the website or really doing anything for that matter. I feel like Im becoming a NEET, its scaring me but it feels comfy. I dont want it to feel comfy, but it is.
Im an inept human being. I get completely lost when people ask what I want to do when I get older, I never have a concrete answer, I just say, "something in technology." Im scared of trying too hard at things, worried that it wont pay off. I wish I could cry about it, but crying is hard, I try but it just doesnt happen. Ugh, sorry sorry, I just dumped that. Oh well.
im really late posting this today, woops!
I LOVE MY FRIENDS, arent they just so cool.
Yeah, so I havent really touched my website in a while. I just havent found much motivation to work on it. The blog is fun but I cant gauge who is resonating with it. I guess thats not exactly the point of the blog; the point of it is that I have a publicly available space for me and for others to learn about me. In those regards the website is doing an alright job.
Im really getting checked. My friend (hi friend) has a job and a car and shes not that much older than me. The comparison is hitting harder than ever and Im not exactly making efforts to get a job or start driving. Im being nice to myself about this, saying oh Ill eventually be driving and stuff, but waiting isnt gonna do anything so I gotta act soon.
Ill work on that dst shrine that ive been putting off for, like, ever.
WAHHHH, very good day to day love this day that im having rn its very awesome. I hung out with my irl bestie (thank u irl bestie), it makes my last post hella embarrassing, but ignore that. Sometimes life gives u ice cream and best friend keychains and ur like yeah, I really really want to live great feeling 10/10 feeling.
We had some coffee and I like dont do coffee, so I need to take a nap, BADLY, but dst comes first it always does.
I didnt take any pictures, cuz thats like werid (but it isn’t) I have practically nothing to remember the occasion, cept for my exceptional memory skills and the cutest little keychain I bought. Ive alway wanted to buy little cutesy things but ive never really found the space to or the comfort to but this time it was perfect, I got peer pressured into it and I dont regret it.
Good day all in all. Great day.
Social media suxxxxxxxx, just texting as a whole is a murky mess sometimes. Dont get me wrong, texting is THE main way to talk to people in this day and age, it has its benefits but the downsides are atrocious. One, texting encourages ppl to dip out of conversations and relationships with ZERO prior warning, nobody is required to be real with you and if you meet someone via text its a complete gamble whether your conversations will continue or end abruptly.
Two, its so easy to be fake, this isnt a completely bad thing, its so super duper liberating to make an online personality that you really really connect with, but when ppl just pander to others for fear of getting rejected it SUX and texting just encourages u to do that. DONT DO THAT.
and threee texting and social media is so empty, you can have fun conversations while texting and sometimes they are more interesting than irl ones because you can just be yourself through texting. But half the time, text conversations are not like that and texting does not gives itself to long winded conversations and arguements, it just takes wayy to long to type out a whole arguement.
Anyways, thx for coming to my ted talk. Neocities is such a great escape from social media and texting slop because ppl here dont pander to others (because the websites are public to everyone, u cant pander to one person) and ppl here just put their personality on a golden canvas and you can assess before even meeting them, whether they’re interesting to u.
DONT STARBE TOGETHER.. eh ehm. sry, its only my favorite game ever. Ive been playing it, SO much, it distracts me from the horrors of life, its great.
This website is going to be more and more dont starve-coded, BEE WARNED.
Anyways, my life now: Im back home home like at home for reals this time, im no longer sick, and school is yeah big thumbs up.
Virtual school is both great and awful: Every class is like a school lunch table but less violent and more awesomer, Its like a twitch stream but everyone is just cool and friends. THE ISSUE.. is that people in virtual school still feel like online friends but they’re supposed to feel like irl friends. Its very hard to find time with people outside of class and social media is NESSARY for making friends, which sucksss. I dont know how to go from online friend to irl friend, I really want an irl friend, like imagine how cool that would be, but social media alone doesnt really lend itself to making irl friends.
I have thought of going into school, idk how well that would go tho. Im not sure that i would find valuable relationships in school, maybe I would, or maybe the downsides in-person would outweigh the value of having friends. (Wrote this yesterday and forgot to post it, oops)
Its marrrrrrrrch, officially. I should post something right? To celebrate the very typical occasion. I got sick this week and am recovering, just a basic cold, nothing to worry about.
Been playing soooooo much Dont Starve Together, best game ever, Im too lazy to make a shrine for it tho; it would be funny.
Should probably be getting my license instead of playing funny wilson game, but its fine.
I dont know what im gonna do. Coding would make good money but idk if im really a coder. Art is a no go, especially with the state of the world. not even just adult jobs but social slop, Im struggling to find a place even on the internet, the internet is supposed to have everything tho, i dont get it. Nothing really makes sense rn. Need to find some belonging, someplace I can connect with. Maybe I should try youtube, I cant let my hesitation get to me tho, I always put down a youtbe video mid way, fearing itll be cringe but I cannot let that get in the way. I MUST NOT.
Guess Ill just rot until I find some sense of belonging (written at 10:56 PM, Feb. 26)
Just took a stroll on neocities for some ideas and MAN does the "old" internet seem daunting. The indie internet is cool but, as a kid born in the era of google domination, this side of the internet just feels confusing. Everyones site is beautiful in their own way, I think there is just too much passion and art in these websites. And there is my site :p. For the amount of websites there are, I really find it hard to attach myself to one, maybe thats just my poopy attention span.
well im already here, so might as well enjoy my stay
Wasnt sure what to write, until I realized, I can just write about not knowing what to write. ik, pretty smart.
Writers blocks are really common, ofc they are, you cant exactly just write about everything and anything that comes to mind, even the things that come to mind are usually just similar to whats already been written. But when an idea does come up, savor it the best you can, write it down somewhere, anything you need to do to bottle it into a jar.
When putting those ideas to the test, be careful though because overscoping will kill you, that probably goes without saying tho.
Anyways, gonna talk about life now: school is real again instead of starting and stopping over and over again. This website is bringing me some joy, I love it; its not gonna get me a job but its something I guess.
I wish I could write something good, something of substance in this blog but MAN that is hard. I just kind of randomly write whatever whenever. That why they say, "art is easy, whats difficult is finding out what to make." I get all my ideas when im depressed, maybe Ill get depressed and then there will be something to read.
Im not going to post every single day, maybe if I get into a habit of posting buuut its gonna be more like every other day. A lot of times I either, forget to post or I dont have anything to post about. So I’m adding a message of the day. Just a lower stress version of the blog. Itll just be a space where I can ask questions, put my thoughts out real quick, and share cool stuff.
Im not working on the website everyday but when an idea comes to mind, Ill work towards making it.
Trying to sleep last night was.. harsh, to say the least. it took me over 4 hours to actually sleep, I think I need some sleep pills or something. It felt like I wasn't getting enough air to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking or moving around. I tried walking around for a bit, I tried asmr, and then I ended up scrolling on instagram, just made everything worse. Either all that.. or it was all that I ate pie that kept me up.
At least it's a two hour school delay.
Also, I added a guestbook! This website is getting more fun now
Its quite difficult write something every single day so, im not gonna write every single day. I feel miserable but not that miserable, it'll probably get worse but until then im just living the life.. yep. I cant truly gauge how many people are reading my blog, I might add a comment feature or a guestbook.. once I figure out how to do those two.
Now that the website is working, im somewhat scared to change it, like ofc its not gonna explode if I add a guestbook but idk, maybe I shouldn't let my perfectionism kill me.
This is a pretty boring blog mb, its mostly for me to give my thoughts out but I have no thoughts rn. Im literally watching asmr while writing this, I am numbed, my attention span is fried. Im writing this at 11:22 pm, feb 20th, pre-writing blogs is kinda, antiblog but I just wanted to write one real quick before I sleep.
So I kinda missed a few days of blogging, mb. Im in Pennsylvania now so I guess me not posting is because Im transitioning into a new environment. My parents are realtors so we have to (semi) move back and forth like every month to get things done in different cities. Its exhausting having to get used to a different environment every month, I mean, the environments are the same every time (same houses) but I still have to acclimate.
School continues to go out again and again; just when I thought spring was here it snows in my school area. I have virtual school but we follow the rest of the districts guidelines so we still get snow days and the likes (pretty awesome), but despite that, ill still have AP work to do ofc.
I genuinely dont know what to do while Im up here, I cant pretend to live near my friends and I cant really start anything outside because this isnt truly where I live. Im definitely going to get bored here like I always do, at least this blog is something.
Im not a social person at all, I wish I was but Im not. 2020 really messed me up, but I dont know how I would have turned out if covid didnt happen. Well for one, I wouldnt be in virtual school, or maybe I would. My parents have been able to do so much with me and my brothers in virtual, theres no way Id even be in Pennsylvania right now if it wasnt for virtual school. But, on the flipside, if I wasnt virtual, I would probably have more friends, less hours on Dont Starve Together, and better mental health... There's not really any point in imagining what could be. I should just focus on now, its kind of hard to do that though when youre stuck in a house you dont quite live in.
Secondly, if 2020 didnt happen I probably wouldnt be gay(???). I dont really know me, I cant tell if Im actually what I think I am or if I just am what I am now (that doesnt make sense). Maybe if I didnt shower myself in internet slop then maybe, just maybe Id be less gay... or maybe Id still be just as gay who knows. Still on the fence if whether Im queer or not queer, being queer just makes my life harder tbh, so the internal debate should just end there right? But it doesnt, I not sure why it doesnt but it just doesnt. Well, if I am cis, then I wouldnt be having this talk, right?
Anyways, if youre reading this, luv u <3 thanks very muchs.
Umm, lowkey had a good day. I did a ton of chores. I love doing chores because it feels way more productive than anything I do. Played some apex after, the game is actually kinda fun now, a lot of changes since I last played it feels great to play. Today was good but tomorrow is going to be miserably boring, me and my family have to travel like 10 hours away. We do this like every 2 weeks and it gets on my nerves sometimes. Having to pack up every other week and head on a trip that takes up THE ENTIRE DAY, it's like you just lost a day to the wind.
When I have good days like these, I notice them, like really notice them. I don't really ruminate about bad thoughts on good days, but when I feel sad, I kind of invalidate my good days; I pretend like they just don't matter. Tbh I'm in too good a mood to write more in this section.
This blog was originally just for me to give my thoughts to my friends and have something on neocities but now that it's real and public to everyone on neocities it's kinda... idk, its pretty cool. I feel like I have this expectation to improve the site (which is good I could use some motivation). Well Im at a writers block, it's really hard for me to write when I'm in a good mood.
Alright! The website is up, I just looked up a tutorial and stole all the code. I might try to improve the design later but for now this works somewhat well. I don't have anything to say at the moment, its just a boring lonely weekend as typical.
Today is valentines day, pretty fucking miserable :)) Yippee. Really weird, I seem to get depressed when I dont have school, school distracts me from feeling miserable and I get to pretend that i'm actually productive. When I dont have school, I have basically nothing to occupy my time in a productive way, its pretty sick :thumbsup: :)
Well, its not that I dont have productive ways to occupy myself, its just that I dont do them; I want to do them but I just always default to playing video games, watching youtube, and staying inside. I could be driving, I could make plans, I could learn something, but I dont because staying inside and being miserable is just default to me, and nobody criticizes me for it, nobody asks me to go outside, and nobody thinks that I'm a bad person for it.
Genuinely, why does nobody think that I'm a horrible person? Am I doing something right? Something wrong? Ofc nobody wants to be told to that they suck, but to me, i'm tired of being told, “yeah that's great” or “you did great” like let me do bad. Tell me “you're getting there” instead of “you're doing perfect”. Idk might talk about this some other time, im at a writer's block rn.
Hiiii, first blog post, this is so stupid. Im typing this first post on a google doc, yk how stupid that is? Pretty frickin stupid, but until I make a website, the blogs will have to take place here.
Blogging is interesting because it's really just, anything. The only reason im blogging is because, one, im fucking insane, and two, Neocitiess, Neocities is such an awesome place and everyone has their own blog, its crazy.
Until I learn HTML and web design, the blog is gonna be here. I can't wait to learn HTML tho!
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