I feel like sometimes I do things for attention. Knowing myself, I sound irrational just saying that.

Im not an attention seeking person, but whenever I post anything or make anything, I feel the need to share it. Is that wrong though? I never, ever want to seem like Im fighting for attention, but is posting a little thing I find cool, fighting for attention? Is complaining about my problems fighting for attention, is this blog post fighting for attention?

Id rather not force any attention but I crave it, often. I want people that check in on me, people that support me, but is it my fault that I don’t have that? This blog post seems like nagging for attention now. I cant let myself do anything if it means that Ill come off as attention seeking.

Lots of questions with this post. Maybe im lost or have lost it.

Like and subsirbe if youd like to have positive blog posts, I know I would.

Gonna work on a blog archive, if dont get distracted mid way.

Hung out with frend, bery cool. I dont want to have bad feelings right now but I do. Alas, my mind attacks me once again.

Everytime I present myself, outside, ever, my mind has this like arbitrary rule where I cant say anything that would be a direct compliment, it has to be indirect or none at all. Is so fucking stupid. I wish it didnt happen but it feels like I am physically incapable of saying anything outside of, "thats cool" or "wow sick, awesome sauce". Its genuinely aggravating and when I see other people giving praise to one of my friends I just sit there like a dumbass like Im not even in the conversation.

CHAT I dont hate you, my mind just hates me and is locking me up in baby introvert jail of overthinking every interaction.

I wish my brain could function the way I want it to, maybe Im not trying hard enough. I say I want to do something but my present doesnt get the hint. I cant ask for anything, I only talk about things when people bring them up. I feel incapable in that sense, but Im glad that I have friends to fill that empty space of me. Somebody to start conversations, because I sure as hell cant. (Thanks D)

One day, Ill learn to move bricks. One day, Ill build a wall for myself, a home even. A home that feels like me.

(Written at the shitest fucking hour of 10:56 PM while listening to jungle like a werido)

Ive got a alot ahead of me. Life isnt straightforward. Ive got alot to do, alot to become, and alot to prove, especially to myself. Ive accepted that times will be confusing or difficult.

To prove to myself of who I am. it's a daunting task, a mind boggling and sometimes frustrating one. Its all in my mind now but I want to let it go, to make it real. Commonly ill dream with my eyes open, into the space. My vision grounded on the world, but my mind, drafting futures of joy, some of potential sorrow, and others of lostness, an empty feeling worse than sorrow, one that characterizes the mundane.

To consume yourself in the mundane is to slowly die, to rot into ash, your remains of litter. Dont consume yourself in the stagnant or the unthinking, blossom thoughts and let them be heard.

But I dont want my thoughts to just be thoughts, I want them to move bricks. I dont have my own wall and I want one so horribly.

This was my original intention for the blog: I can write stuff.. and make it seem like Im conversing ideas with people. Ugh, im gonna stop writing, I have a test tmrw and its 11:09 pm, I need to sleep.

Planning on a revamp of sorts for the site. Stay tuned. (THAT WAS A LIE)

GUYS, I swear I wanna make this site better, Im not just lounging around (well I am but that besides the point). I found out that you can inspect element any site and steal its code so Ill be trying that out, making sure not to just plagiarize.

Topic of day: Im thinking about how I want my hair to be; Ive got long curls that bush on my head, curly but not THAT curly. Now that Im most definitely NOT completely cis-gendered, I think Ill try cutting my own hair. My mom always cuts it and I hate that, she cuts it how she wants it and its not great. Ill need to look at some guides but I think itll be better if I decide how I look. My mom has told me that I need to figure out how Im gonna look; thisll be the first step. I hope that eventually Ill have my own style and I wont just be some dude.

While I wasnt watching, my website reached 1000 total views; pretty cool. Guess updating actually brings in people, neat.

I'm trying something new with today's blog! The first SUPERBLOG, its a blog with an entire page dedicated to it, and images!